1 00:00:16,181 --> 00:00:18,083 ♪ love and marriage ♪ 2 00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:21,385 ♪ love and marriage ♪ 3 00:00:21,386 --> 00:00:24,756 ♪ go together like a horse and carriage ♪ 4 00:00:24,757 --> 00:00:28,927 ♪ this I tell ya, brother ♪ 5 00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:30,829 ♪ you can't have one ♪ 6 00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:33,364 ♪ without the other ♪ 7 00:00:33,365 --> 00:00:35,466 ♪ love and marriage ♪ 8 00:00:35,467 --> 00:00:38,770 ♪ love and marriage ♪ 9 00:00:38,771 --> 00:00:42,807 ♪ it's an institute you can't disparage ♪ 10 00:00:42,808 --> 00:00:46,544 ♪ ask the local gentry ♪ 11 00:00:46,545 --> 00:00:51,249 ♪ and they say it's elementary ♪ 12 00:00:51,250 --> 00:00:56,287 ♪ try, try, try to separate them ♪ 13 00:00:56,288 --> 00:00:59,557 ♪ it's an illusion ♪ 14 00:00:59,558 --> 00:01:02,260 ♪ try, try, try ♪ 15 00:01:02,261 --> 00:01:08,066 ♪ and you will only come to this conclusion ♪ 16 00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:10,468 ♪ love and marriage ♪ 17 00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:18,609 Now, mom, just because the kids don't write 18 00:01:18,610 --> 00:01:21,079 Doesn't mean they don't love you. 19 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:25,216 Oh. They told you they didn't love you? 20 00:01:25,217 --> 00:01:26,951 Well, they didn't mean it. 21 00:01:26,952 --> 00:01:28,753 You know our kids. 22 00:01:28,754 --> 00:01:31,089 I'm sure if you sent them some money, 23 00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:33,658 They'd love you. 24 00:01:33,659 --> 00:01:36,761 No, I couldn't watch you be the judge today. 25 00:01:36,762 --> 00:01:38,129 They put this new streetlight up 26 00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:39,630 In front of the house, 27 00:01:39,631 --> 00:01:43,902 And I was watching the men work with their shirts off. 28 00:01:43,903 --> 00:01:47,405 Oh, of course I took pictures. 29 00:01:47,406 --> 00:01:49,674 Yeah, the new crime light is real nice. 30 00:01:49,675 --> 00:01:51,810 Everyone in the neighborhood is real happy about it. 31 00:01:53,679 --> 00:01:56,948 I hate those new crime lights. 32 00:01:56,949 --> 00:01:58,950 They make everything look yellow. 33 00:01:58,951 --> 00:02:00,518 This neighborhood's ugly enough during the day 34 00:02:00,519 --> 00:02:02,954 Without having to look at it at night. 35 00:02:04,656 --> 00:02:07,325 I can't comment on that right now, mom. 36 00:02:07,326 --> 00:02:09,794 Al just alked-way in the or-day. 37 00:02:12,297 --> 00:02:13,965 Pig latin, peg. 38 00:02:13,966 --> 00:02:17,501 Must be your mother. 39 00:02:17,502 --> 00:02:18,669 Tell her I said "oink." 40 00:02:20,806 --> 00:02:23,174 What are all these envelopes on the table, peg? 41 00:02:23,175 --> 00:02:24,475 Is this supper? 42 00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:29,313 It's a bill for that crime light. 43 00:02:29,314 --> 00:02:31,315 A $50 assessment. 44 00:02:31,316 --> 00:02:33,818 Peg, they're charging me 50 bucks. 45 00:02:33,819 --> 00:02:37,756 Gee, I wish I had someone to pay my bills so I could go... 46 00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:40,691 "oh, gee, look, dear, the new telephone bill came. 47 00:02:40,692 --> 00:02:42,260 "let's see... 48 00:02:42,261 --> 00:02:45,296 Well, there's some big, fat bills from milwaukee." 49 00:02:45,297 --> 00:02:49,500 Know anybody big and fat from milwaukee, peg? 50 00:02:52,838 --> 00:02:54,139 Hold on, mom. 51 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:56,641 That's right, your mother. 52 00:02:56,642 --> 00:02:58,209 Did she call collect again? 53 00:02:58,210 --> 00:03:00,245 No, al, I called her. 54 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:02,013 Smart shopping. 55 00:03:02,014 --> 00:03:03,614 Tell her I want to talk to her. 56 00:03:03,615 --> 00:03:06,217 Mom, al has something he wants to say to you. 57 00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:12,257 You're making too many calls, peg. 58 00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:13,758 Now, look at this bill. 59 00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:16,261 Milwaukee, milwaukee, milwaukee... 60 00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:20,265 I'll bet this whole thing comes to... 61 00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:22,433 $253! 62 00:03:22,434 --> 00:03:24,102 Family meeting! 63 00:03:28,140 --> 00:03:30,108 The whole family! 64 00:03:30,109 --> 00:03:32,911 Kelly: I'm on the phone, dad! 65 00:03:32,912 --> 00:03:36,580 I said, family meeting. 66 00:03:42,754 --> 00:03:44,289 Family... 67 00:03:45,757 --> 00:03:46,925 Coven... 68 00:03:46,926 --> 00:03:50,461 I thought we agreed to cut down our calls. 69 00:03:50,462 --> 00:03:52,197 I only made necessary calls. 70 00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,198 Me too. 71 00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:54,632 Me too. 72 00:03:54,633 --> 00:03:57,335 Who made these toll calls at two bucks a pop? 73 00:03:57,336 --> 00:03:58,536 10 times in a row here. 74 00:03:58,537 --> 00:04:01,072 Who called 555-stud? 75 00:04:07,813 --> 00:04:11,149 Oh, mom! 76 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:12,817 Who called dial-a-prayer? 77 00:04:12,818 --> 00:04:14,552 I did, dad. 78 00:04:14,553 --> 00:04:17,455 But don't pay. Kelly's still here. 79 00:04:20,059 --> 00:04:23,261 Let's see what else we have here. 80 00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:27,232 Uh... Sports hotline, sports hotline, sports hotline. 81 00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:29,934 Those are okay. 82 00:04:29,935 --> 00:04:31,435 Wait a second. Wait. 83 00:04:31,436 --> 00:04:34,372 Vancouver? $80? 84 00:04:34,373 --> 00:04:35,940 Kelly! 85 00:04:35,941 --> 00:04:38,509 Sure, all eyes turn to me. 86 00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:40,511 Let me ask you this. 87 00:04:40,512 --> 00:04:42,914 If I did know somebody in vancouver, 88 00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:45,149 Don't you think I'd be living with them and not here? 89 00:04:45,150 --> 00:04:47,151 True enough. Bud? 90 00:04:47,152 --> 00:04:48,652 America first, dad. 91 00:04:48,653 --> 00:04:50,321 How about it, peg? 92 00:04:50,322 --> 00:04:52,623 Your mother gotten so fat, 93 00:04:52,624 --> 00:04:56,027 She's spread across the border? 94 00:04:56,028 --> 00:04:58,763 Al, I did not call vancouver, 95 00:04:58,764 --> 00:05:02,767 And mom is down to nearly 200. 96 00:05:02,768 --> 00:05:04,635 So nobody called vancouver? 97 00:05:04,636 --> 00:05:06,137 Okay, it's a mistake. 98 00:05:06,138 --> 00:05:08,172 I'm not paying for mistakes. 99 00:05:08,173 --> 00:05:11,042 I've been doing that since the day I got married. 100 00:05:11,043 --> 00:05:13,044 All right, I'll call the phone company. 101 00:05:13,045 --> 00:05:14,345 What's the phone company number? 102 00:05:14,346 --> 00:05:15,713 Dial information. 103 00:05:15,714 --> 00:05:17,115 See, that's just what I'm talking about. 104 00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:18,950 This is a perfect example of how to save. 105 00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:21,819 We want a phone number, we use the phone book. 106 00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:24,155 I was going to burn that for heat, al. 107 00:05:25,357 --> 00:05:27,558 Oh, I'd like to burn something... 108 00:05:28,994 --> 00:05:31,695 "we find no error." 109 00:05:31,696 --> 00:05:33,097 I'm on hold for 45 minutes, 110 00:05:33,098 --> 00:05:35,233 Listening to muzak version of "muskrat love," 111 00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:38,736 And they can find no error. 112 00:05:38,737 --> 00:05:40,671 Now that the kids are gone, 113 00:05:40,672 --> 00:05:42,173 I ask you one more time, 114 00:05:42,174 --> 00:05:44,742 Did you make that call to vancouver? 115 00:05:44,743 --> 00:05:47,145 Al, that call was made at 9:00 in the morning. 116 00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:48,212 Now, you know very well 117 00:05:48,213 --> 00:05:50,614 That that is when I go back to sleep 118 00:05:50,615 --> 00:05:52,183 After you've gone to work. 119 00:05:54,453 --> 00:05:55,954 I'm sorry. 120 00:05:55,955 --> 00:05:57,588 I can't believe they're going to 121 00:05:57,589 --> 00:05:59,490 Make me pay for this, peg. 122 00:05:59,491 --> 00:06:02,126 Why don't you become a game show host? 123 00:06:02,127 --> 00:06:04,028 Contestant comes out and says, "I win $10,000," 124 00:06:04,029 --> 00:06:06,030 You shrug, I come out and pay him, 125 00:06:06,031 --> 00:06:06,897 The game's over. 126 00:06:08,633 --> 00:06:11,569 We'll call the show "that idiot al." 127 00:06:11,570 --> 00:06:12,971 Honey, I'm sure it'll work out 128 00:06:12,972 --> 00:06:14,839 One way or another. Now, just go to sleep. 129 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,374 Oh, I'm sure it will work out. 130 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:19,277 I pay for a light I didn't want, 131 00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:21,279 I pay for a phone call I didn't make, 132 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:24,282 For a house, a dog, kids, cat... 133 00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:25,583 Al, you know, 134 00:06:25,584 --> 00:06:27,785 There's still some things we could do for free. 135 00:06:27,786 --> 00:06:30,088 You know, like, dust off mr. Van winkle 136 00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:32,457 And bring him over for a visit. 137 00:06:38,397 --> 00:06:40,898 Sex, al. 138 00:06:40,899 --> 00:06:46,037 Great. The one thing I would pay for. 139 00:06:46,038 --> 00:06:48,473 Me too. Good night, al. 140 00:07:06,358 --> 00:07:08,626 Honey, would you be still? 141 00:07:08,627 --> 00:07:10,661 I'm trying desperately 142 00:07:10,662 --> 00:07:13,931 To pretend you're someone else. 143 00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:26,177 Settle down, al, and go to sleep. 144 00:07:26,178 --> 00:07:29,480 Yech! 145 00:07:29,481 --> 00:07:32,683 Where the hell is that light coming from? 146 00:07:32,684 --> 00:07:35,219 It's the new crime light, al, 147 00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:36,687 Shining on an appropriate place-- 148 00:07:36,688 --> 00:07:38,256 Your feet. 149 00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:42,393 This just gets better and better. 150 00:07:42,394 --> 00:07:47,631 $50 to have a light shine in my face! 151 00:07:47,632 --> 00:07:48,766 This is great. 152 00:07:48,767 --> 00:07:50,501 I'm a victim, that's what I am. 153 00:07:50,502 --> 00:07:54,038 City charges me $50 to shine a light in my face, 154 00:07:54,039 --> 00:07:55,540 Nothing I can do about it. 155 00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:58,276 Phone company charges me $80 for a phone call I never made, 156 00:07:58,277 --> 00:07:59,777 Nothing I can do about it. 157 00:07:59,778 --> 00:08:01,079 Well, from now on, 158 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,714 Al bundy is going to do something about it. 159 00:08:03,715 --> 00:08:05,516 Tomorrow, I'm going to get that vancouver phone call 160 00:08:05,517 --> 00:08:07,218 Taken off my bill 161 00:08:07,219 --> 00:08:08,419 And I'm going to go down 162 00:08:08,420 --> 00:08:10,088 And have the city move that stupid light. 163 00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:11,622 From now on, 164 00:08:11,623 --> 00:08:14,158 Al bundy is going to live with a little bit of dignity. 165 00:08:20,031 --> 00:08:21,932 Ok, marilyn. You ready? 166 00:08:25,637 --> 00:08:29,140 There, that should take care of bud if he's listening. 167 00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:31,742 Now, who's pregnant? 168 00:08:33,345 --> 00:08:34,579 Hi, mom. 169 00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:35,746 Hi, honey. 170 00:08:35,747 --> 00:08:37,448 What? 171 00:08:40,051 --> 00:08:41,785 What you been doing? 172 00:08:41,786 --> 00:08:44,122 What? 173 00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:48,426 Bud, you've been listening in on kelly's call, haven't you? 174 00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:51,295 Remember what I told you about that? 175 00:08:51,296 --> 00:08:55,466 Yeah, you said, "be careful, she's got a whistle now." 176 00:08:57,536 --> 00:09:00,138 That's better. 177 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:01,472 Where's dad? 178 00:09:01,473 --> 00:09:02,540 He went down 179 00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:04,008 To the phone company this morning. 180 00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:05,009 Uh-oh. 181 00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:06,144 Don't worry about it. 182 00:09:06,145 --> 00:09:07,745 Your father does a lot of dumb things, 183 00:09:07,746 --> 00:09:08,946 But even he knows 184 00:09:08,947 --> 00:09:10,948 You can't fight the phone company. 185 00:09:10,949 --> 00:09:12,350 Hello? 186 00:09:15,287 --> 00:09:16,854 Hello? 187 00:09:19,057 --> 00:09:21,492 Mom, the phone just went dead. 188 00:09:21,493 --> 00:09:25,863 Well, you're looking at a hero. 189 00:09:29,868 --> 00:09:31,669 The phone company 190 00:09:31,670 --> 00:09:34,772 Doesn't care about just one man, 191 00:09:34,773 --> 00:09:38,142 But if all of us stand together, 192 00:09:38,143 --> 00:09:40,645 We can bring these bureaucratic morons 193 00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:42,380 To their knees. 194 00:09:44,749 --> 00:09:47,985 Peg, did you tell all the neighbors to come? 195 00:09:47,986 --> 00:09:50,254 I told all our friends. 196 00:09:50,255 --> 00:09:51,789 And? 197 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,961 They're here. 198 00:09:57,962 --> 00:09:59,963 Al, why don't you just break down 199 00:09:59,964 --> 00:10:01,465 And pay the phone bill? 200 00:10:01,466 --> 00:10:03,267 I'm not giving in. 201 00:10:03,268 --> 00:10:05,336 Nobody ever died because they didn't have a telephone. 202 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,640 Kelly. 203 00:10:09,641 --> 00:10:13,043 Would you go upstairs? You're depressing us. 204 00:10:19,117 --> 00:10:20,318 Al... 205 00:10:20,319 --> 00:10:23,854 Why don't you just pay for that phone call? 206 00:10:23,855 --> 00:10:25,189 Excuse me. 207 00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:29,793 Did I hear the trace of a vancouvian accent, steve? 208 00:10:29,794 --> 00:10:31,529 I didn't make the call. 209 00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:33,631 Why not? Were you out-- 210 00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:35,866 Or should I say, "oot"-- at the time? 211 00:10:38,169 --> 00:10:39,937 Gee, steve. 212 00:10:39,938 --> 00:10:42,940 This is a little like living with columbo. 213 00:10:42,941 --> 00:10:46,076 You know, a dirty, wrinkled man who won't give up. 214 00:10:46,077 --> 00:10:47,978 Well, I'm never going to give up, 215 00:10:47,979 --> 00:10:49,447 And by the way, steve, 216 00:10:49,448 --> 00:10:51,982 What was marcie's maiden name? 217 00:10:51,983 --> 00:10:54,452 It wouldn't have been "canuck" by any chance? 218 00:10:56,688 --> 00:10:59,923 Al, aren't you punishing your family enough 219 00:10:59,924 --> 00:11:02,360 By living with them? 220 00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:03,461 Why punish them more 221 00:11:03,462 --> 00:11:05,896 Over one lousy $80 phone bill? 222 00:11:05,897 --> 00:11:07,831 One lousy $80 phone bill? 223 00:11:07,832 --> 00:11:10,834 Oh, forgive me, o sheik achmed rhoades. 224 00:11:10,835 --> 00:11:15,873 Peg, where's that spare 80 I use to light my cigars? 225 00:11:15,874 --> 00:11:17,040 Hi. 226 00:11:17,041 --> 00:11:19,744 Oh, hi, marcie. Gee, thanks. 227 00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:20,844 First, you say, 228 00:11:20,845 --> 00:11:22,680 "oh, steve, we'd only be insulting the buffoon 229 00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:24,882 If we missed his stupid meeting, 230 00:11:24,883 --> 00:11:26,784 Then you don't show up. 231 00:11:26,785 --> 00:11:29,119 Sorry, steve, but I was on the phone. 232 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,289 You see, there's an example 233 00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:34,124 Of america's obsession with the telephone. 234 00:11:34,125 --> 00:11:37,461 I was on the telephone taking messages for your family. 235 00:11:37,462 --> 00:11:40,164 Peggy, your mother called. 236 00:11:40,165 --> 00:11:42,767 Peggy, your mother called. 237 00:11:42,768 --> 00:11:45,403 Peggy, your mother called. 238 00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:49,006 And, peggy, dial-a-stud called. 239 00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:53,678 They wanted to know if you were okay 240 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:55,012 And to tell you juan is back. 241 00:11:58,016 --> 00:12:00,618 Anything for me? 242 00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:02,119 No. 243 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,954 Oh. 244 00:12:08,259 --> 00:12:11,061 Hi, mom. Hi, dad. 245 00:12:11,062 --> 00:12:12,530 [ring, ring] 246 00:12:12,531 --> 00:12:14,164 [ring, ring] 247 00:12:14,165 --> 00:12:17,768 Kelly, it's for you! 248 00:12:19,237 --> 00:12:21,238 Thank you, thank you, thank you, 249 00:12:21,239 --> 00:12:22,239 Thank you, thank you. 250 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:23,974 Hello? 251 00:12:25,577 --> 00:12:27,445 Hello? 252 00:12:37,756 --> 00:12:41,158 Gee, I love doing that. 253 00:12:41,159 --> 00:12:44,428 Now, see? Bud's handling this the best way. 254 00:12:44,429 --> 00:12:46,330 Good boy, bud. 255 00:12:48,433 --> 00:12:50,601 Now, I know that you're all upset at me, 256 00:12:50,602 --> 00:12:52,536 And you don't really understand why I'm doing this, 257 00:12:52,537 --> 00:12:54,739 But I will not roll over and die, 258 00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:56,741 And I will rest easy, 259 00:12:56,742 --> 00:13:00,578 Because I sleep the sleep of the righteous. 260 00:13:08,119 --> 00:13:09,219 Peg. 261 00:13:09,220 --> 00:13:10,454 Peg. 262 00:13:10,455 --> 00:13:11,955 I can't sleep. 263 00:13:11,956 --> 00:13:13,557 What can I do? 264 00:13:13,558 --> 00:13:14,825 Well... 265 00:13:14,826 --> 00:13:17,327 Since we're not using the telephone, 266 00:13:17,328 --> 00:13:20,330 We could wrap the cord around your neck 267 00:13:20,331 --> 00:13:23,333 And slowly tighten it till the sandman comes. 268 00:13:23,334 --> 00:13:24,835 Ah, you women. 269 00:13:24,836 --> 00:13:29,006 You can't forget about that maternal instinct, can you? 270 00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:31,108 Good night, al. 271 00:13:33,244 --> 00:13:34,678 Peg. 272 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:35,913 Remember a long time ago 273 00:13:35,914 --> 00:13:38,015 When you wanted this side of the bed? 274 00:13:38,016 --> 00:13:40,651 You know, close to the window? 275 00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:43,186 What was my reason for not giving it to you? 276 00:13:43,187 --> 00:13:46,223 Well, let's see, it was something like, 277 00:13:46,224 --> 00:13:50,127 "I work, I make the money, I deserve the air." 278 00:13:50,128 --> 00:13:52,095 You know, it's funny, peg. 279 00:13:52,096 --> 00:13:53,597 It took me 15 years to realize 280 00:13:53,598 --> 00:13:55,098 That you were right all the time. 281 00:13:55,099 --> 00:13:58,001 See, I can't sleep knowing you'd rather be here. 282 00:13:58,002 --> 00:13:59,102 Slide over, peg. 283 00:13:59,103 --> 00:14:00,270 No, al. 284 00:14:00,271 --> 00:14:03,273 We need your feet by the window. 285 00:14:03,274 --> 00:14:06,977 They keep away the mosquitoes. 286 00:14:06,978 --> 00:14:10,147 Steve: Hey, bundy! Telephone! 287 00:14:11,716 --> 00:14:13,884 It's 2:00 in the morning. 288 00:14:13,885 --> 00:14:15,385 What do they want? 289 00:14:15,386 --> 00:14:18,923 It's peggy's mother. 290 00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,558 Oh, it's for you. 291 00:14:20,559 --> 00:14:21,559 Oh. 292 00:14:26,531 --> 00:14:29,667 Hi, mom! What do you want? 293 00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:33,904 Steve: Your recipe for raisin bread. 294 00:14:33,905 --> 00:14:36,907 Tell her to get a fresh loaf of bread, 295 00:14:36,908 --> 00:14:40,043 A box of raisins, and a hammer. 296 00:14:42,447 --> 00:14:44,214 All right. 297 00:14:44,215 --> 00:14:47,117 I just found the answer to all our problems. 298 00:14:48,286 --> 00:14:50,053 Ta-dah! 299 00:14:52,090 --> 00:14:54,792 We're all going to get an allotment of dimes. 300 00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:56,627 Then, when you have to make a phone call, 301 00:14:56,628 --> 00:14:57,995 You come to me. 302 00:14:57,996 --> 00:15:00,998 And if I feel the phone call is worthy, 303 00:15:00,999 --> 00:15:02,500 I'll give you some dimes 304 00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:05,503 To go down to the phone booth at the gas station. 305 00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:10,340 See, once again, problem... Solution. 306 00:15:10,341 --> 00:15:12,442 Dad, sit down. 307 00:15:14,846 --> 00:15:17,848 I worry to see you slipping away. 308 00:15:17,849 --> 00:15:19,349 You know, this phone thing-- 309 00:15:19,350 --> 00:15:22,352 How can I say this without hurting you? 310 00:15:22,353 --> 00:15:25,155 It's stupid. 311 00:15:25,156 --> 00:15:27,357 I want to explain something, son. 312 00:15:27,358 --> 00:15:29,059 Is this going to be long and boring? 313 00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:31,996 Like the "why did we have kelly" speech? 314 00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:36,967 No, because I know the answer to this one. 315 00:15:36,968 --> 00:15:38,468 You see, the trouble 316 00:15:38,469 --> 00:15:40,971 With america today, son, is this... 317 00:15:40,972 --> 00:15:43,774 Nobody stands up for anything anymore. 318 00:15:43,775 --> 00:15:46,209 So can we have a phone? 319 00:15:46,210 --> 00:15:47,545 No. 320 00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:48,779 No, but it's pretty pathetic. 321 00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:51,715 See, we used to have slogans like "don't tread on me," 322 00:15:51,716 --> 00:15:53,216 "54-40 or fight," 323 00:15:53,217 --> 00:15:55,653 "tippecanoe and somebody too." 324 00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,087 Then, all of a sudden, 325 00:15:57,088 --> 00:15:58,656 People stopped standing up for themselves. 326 00:15:58,657 --> 00:16:02,159 Now we have slogans like "have a nice day," 327 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,761 "make love, not war." 328 00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:09,132 "hi, I'm an american. I'm sorry." 329 00:16:09,133 --> 00:16:10,500 What's that got to do 330 00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:11,802 With us being the only people 331 00:16:11,803 --> 00:16:13,637 In the free world without a telephone? 332 00:16:13,638 --> 00:16:15,338 It's got everything to do with it. 333 00:16:15,339 --> 00:16:16,840 See, the point is, 334 00:16:16,841 --> 00:16:19,843 If they tried to charge thomas jefferson 335 00:16:19,844 --> 00:16:22,345 With a call he didn't make, 336 00:16:22,346 --> 00:16:25,348 The boston harbor would've been full of phones, 337 00:16:25,349 --> 00:16:26,550 And all the local women 338 00:16:26,551 --> 00:16:28,351 Would've been swimming around down there, 339 00:16:28,352 --> 00:16:33,223 And we wouldn't have had to hang them as witches. 340 00:16:33,224 --> 00:16:36,259 So, you're kind of like thomas jefferson? 341 00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:38,729 That I am, bud. 342 00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:40,931 Then why do they call him a great man, 343 00:16:40,932 --> 00:16:42,466 And they call you "butthead." 344 00:16:48,306 --> 00:16:49,473 Well, if that's 345 00:16:49,474 --> 00:16:51,909 A new word for "patriot," so be it. 346 00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:53,543 Now, I'm going down to the corner 347 00:16:53,544 --> 00:16:55,779 With a letter to the utility company 348 00:16:55,780 --> 00:16:57,715 To get rid of that light. 349 00:16:57,716 --> 00:16:59,449 Peg, do you want anything? 350 00:16:59,450 --> 00:17:02,185 Yes, but bigamy's illegal in this state. 351 00:17:04,255 --> 00:17:06,523 Alrighty. 352 00:17:06,524 --> 00:17:08,125 I'll fill that baby with dimes, 353 00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:09,426 And we're going to learn 354 00:17:09,427 --> 00:17:12,429 You don't need a phone company to have a phone. 355 00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:13,430 See you later. 356 00:17:13,431 --> 00:17:16,433 Say goodbye to daddy's dream. 357 00:17:19,037 --> 00:17:23,473 Making raisin bread, mom? 358 00:17:23,474 --> 00:17:25,676 Not this time, honey. 359 00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:27,011 Well, bye, mom. 360 00:17:27,012 --> 00:17:29,680 If you need me, I'll be in the streets. 361 00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:33,250 Okay, but I don't think I'll need you. 362 00:17:33,251 --> 00:17:36,086 And tell daddy that I am not moving back in 363 00:17:36,087 --> 00:17:39,556 Until we get a phone or I get married. 364 00:17:39,557 --> 00:17:41,992 Kelly, honey, there is no reason 365 00:17:41,993 --> 00:17:43,994 For anyone to leave home. 366 00:17:43,995 --> 00:17:46,997 We are not going to be without a phone for much longer. 367 00:17:46,998 --> 00:17:50,000 I've taken matters into my own hands. 368 00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:52,169 Now, kids, we need $80. 369 00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:55,673 There must be something around here we can sell. 370 00:17:55,674 --> 00:17:58,508 Kelly, quick. Your liver. 371 00:17:58,509 --> 00:18:00,010 For a phone? 372 00:18:00,011 --> 00:18:01,845 I'll do it. 373 00:18:01,846 --> 00:18:03,246 Not yet, kelly. 374 00:18:03,247 --> 00:18:04,682 Since this is your father's fault, 375 00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:07,051 I think we should start with his things. 376 00:18:07,052 --> 00:18:09,086 I'll get his bowling ball. 377 00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:11,088 I'll get his fishing rods. 378 00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:14,058 And I'll get his, uh... Well, that's all he's got. 379 00:18:17,328 --> 00:18:18,762 Hey, what's going on here? 380 00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,398 Dad. The women-- 381 00:18:21,399 --> 00:18:24,134 They were going to sell your stuff. 382 00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:30,140 He makes the money, mom. 383 00:18:30,141 --> 00:18:32,042 We want a phone, al. 384 00:18:32,043 --> 00:18:33,543 I want a life. 385 00:18:33,544 --> 00:18:35,545 Good luck to us all. 386 00:18:35,546 --> 00:18:37,047 We're serious, dad. 387 00:18:37,048 --> 00:18:39,717 You can't beat the phone company. 388 00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:41,118 I see. 389 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:43,386 So much for bundy unity. 390 00:18:43,387 --> 00:18:44,521 I'll tell you something. 391 00:18:44,522 --> 00:18:45,589 This is the first time 392 00:18:45,590 --> 00:18:47,224 I've ever been ashamed of my family. 393 00:18:47,225 --> 00:18:50,761 You'll get used to it, al. We did. 394 00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:52,763 Well, get used to this. 395 00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:54,765 We're not getting a phone 396 00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:58,435 Until the phone company calls and apologizes to me. 397 00:18:58,436 --> 00:19:01,038 Dad, is there anything we can say 398 00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:02,339 To make you change your mind, 399 00:19:02,340 --> 00:19:03,841 You know, like, "we love you"? 400 00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:06,910 Or would you see right through that? 401 00:19:06,911 --> 00:19:08,478 I would. 402 00:19:08,479 --> 00:19:11,481 Look, do you know what the worst thing is 403 00:19:11,482 --> 00:19:16,153 For a fellow to grow up and hear somebody call him? 404 00:19:16,154 --> 00:19:18,288 A shoe salesman. 405 00:19:19,657 --> 00:19:20,858 Worse. 406 00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:23,493 A quitter. 407 00:19:23,494 --> 00:19:25,495 See, if I quit right now, 408 00:19:25,496 --> 00:19:27,497 It would be like-- I don't know-- 409 00:19:27,498 --> 00:19:29,867 Quitting. 410 00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,434 So, daddy, if we stopped trying 411 00:19:31,435 --> 00:19:34,337 To make you put the phone back in, 412 00:19:34,338 --> 00:19:36,206 Wouldn't that make us quitters? 413 00:19:36,207 --> 00:19:38,175 Go to your room! 414 00:19:39,944 --> 00:19:40,944 [doorbell rings] 415 00:19:40,945 --> 00:19:42,980 First thought she's ever had, 416 00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:44,882 And it has to be against me. 417 00:19:46,550 --> 00:19:49,820 Steve, we have a family thing going on. 418 00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:51,321 What do you want? 419 00:19:51,322 --> 00:19:54,324 I'm delivering another phone message for you. 420 00:19:54,325 --> 00:19:55,659 Come on in. 421 00:19:55,660 --> 00:19:58,128 I also have a message of my own. Al. 422 00:19:58,129 --> 00:19:59,396 This is the last message 423 00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:01,765 The rhoades are taking for the bundys. 424 00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:04,534 Fine. That's the last thing we'll ever do for you too. 425 00:20:04,535 --> 00:20:07,437 You don't do anything for us now, al. 426 00:20:07,438 --> 00:20:10,941 So you've already got a taste of our medicine. 427 00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:13,310 What's the message? 428 00:20:13,311 --> 00:20:16,313 Please, god, let it be for me. 429 00:20:16,314 --> 00:20:18,682 It's for peggy. 430 00:20:18,683 --> 00:20:20,184 You lie! 431 00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:22,686 It's for me! 432 00:20:22,687 --> 00:20:27,825 She's been under a lot of stress lately. 433 00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:29,326 Oh, my god. 434 00:20:29,327 --> 00:20:33,330 Who put these bugs on my arms? 435 00:20:33,331 --> 00:20:35,132 Who is it, steve? 436 00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:36,599 It's your mother. 437 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,435 She said to tell you she's worried about you. 438 00:20:38,436 --> 00:20:39,703 She doesn't like 439 00:20:39,704 --> 00:20:41,705 Not being able to talk to you every day, 440 00:20:41,706 --> 00:20:45,943 So she's coming to stay until you get your phone put back in. 441 00:20:50,114 --> 00:20:52,749 How much time do we have? 442 00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:54,751 She was packing her bags. 443 00:20:54,752 --> 00:20:56,153 Great! Great! We can still stop her. 444 00:20:56,154 --> 00:20:57,654 She can't get through her front door 445 00:20:57,655 --> 00:20:58,521 On the first try. 446 00:21:00,758 --> 00:21:03,493 Peg, quick, call her. Use steve's phone. 447 00:21:03,494 --> 00:21:04,995 Sure. Use steve's phone, wake steve up, 448 00:21:04,996 --> 00:21:06,997 Let steve take the message. 449 00:21:06,998 --> 00:21:11,501 Well, the steve stops here, and my phone is off-limits. 450 00:21:11,502 --> 00:21:13,403 Give mom a hug for me. 451 00:21:16,474 --> 00:21:18,976 Oh, god. What have I done? 452 00:21:18,977 --> 00:21:22,012 Get out the sitz bath, kids. Grandma's coming. 453 00:21:22,013 --> 00:21:23,713 Look, peg, 454 00:21:23,714 --> 00:21:24,915 Go down to the phone booth. 455 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,149 Catch the woman before she gets 456 00:21:26,150 --> 00:21:27,885 To the bottom of the driveway, 457 00:21:27,886 --> 00:21:29,186 Because once she's in motion, 458 00:21:29,187 --> 00:21:30,954 You can't stop her. 459 00:21:30,955 --> 00:21:32,489 Okay, al, 460 00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:34,491 But only on one condition-- 461 00:21:34,492 --> 00:21:36,626 That you pay that phone bill. 462 00:21:36,627 --> 00:21:38,896 Done. You win. But hurry. 463 00:21:38,897 --> 00:21:40,931 Was that a tremor? 464 00:21:42,433 --> 00:21:45,435 Oh, god. She must be changing bras. 465 00:21:45,436 --> 00:21:46,703 Hurry! 466 00:21:46,704 --> 00:21:47,938 Hurry! 467 00:21:52,777 --> 00:21:57,781 Yeah, dad. Mom got here safe and sound. 468 00:21:57,782 --> 00:22:00,784 Mom, you want to say hi to dad? 469 00:22:00,785 --> 00:22:04,121 [snoring] 470 00:22:04,122 --> 00:22:06,123 She says she loves you. 471 00:22:06,124 --> 00:22:09,126 Yeah, I talked her into staying an extra week. 472 00:22:09,127 --> 00:22:11,628 Al? Well, he was a little upset 473 00:22:11,629 --> 00:22:14,631 That we couldn't stop her before she'd left, 474 00:22:14,632 --> 00:22:16,633 But he did win one victory. 475 00:22:16,634 --> 00:22:19,536 He got them to move that streetlight, 476 00:22:19,537 --> 00:22:21,371 So I'm sure he's happy about that. 477 00:22:42,593 --> 00:22:45,228 [♪]